I don’t know who here is into the enneagram. I know some people are giving it up and questioning its origin, but it can be fascinating to learn how we see ourselves and how other people see themselves. We understand more as we see our reflection described and anyalyzed. Enneagram ones have an inner critic. I test as an enneagram one, but relate more to an enneagram 5. However, aside from the enneagram’s name and classifications, this inner critic is fully alive and awake moment by moment within me. It requires daily surrender and looking to the One I behold to quiet this inner critic. The inner critic that speaks, “You’re not cut out for this” when I say something weird after meeting someone for the first time, when I leave one of my bags at the grocery store, or lose my car keys. Again. Through my head running by the clouds above, an airplane seems to flash the words that come so easily: “You’re not cut out for this.”
These moments of harsh words and unkindness bring me low. They keep me looking in, knowing I’m not good enough. When I look up, to the One who holds the universe together and simultaneously knows my every thought, a shift begins. When I pray, I bring these thoughts to the Lord. Maybe I should’ve had kids younger, God reminds me, you tried that, and this was my plan. When I pray that maybe I should have spread my children out further apart, God replies, you tried that and it wasn’t the plan for you. I tell the Lord, I wasn’t ready to leave my job. And then I hear the voice, but I was ready. When I doubt that I am enough, God says, but I am. He asks us to come. When I’m tired and weary I come. When I have exhausted my own resources, whether it’s just Monday morning as the sun begins to touch the sky or it’s Thursday night and I can’t imagine how I’m going to get through Friday, he tells me to come: “Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest.” What truth do you need to rest in today?
When I’m feeling weary and not enough, here are a few things I’ve found helpful, both to do and not to do.
What not to do: Look down and look in
- Scroll – stop the scroll. Occasionally the Lord will speak to me through a post that I just found, but not usually
- Keep sitting still -I’ve found that when I just sit, even if I’m not staring at my phone, my thoughts keep circling
- Check my email – looking for more distraction is tempting, but no, I really don’t need those shoes that are on sale TODAY ONLY (right…)
- Reflect too much on the past – becoming wistful about dreams and hopes unfulfilled or ashamed about mistakes made doesn’t correct them
What to do: In general, I find the best remedy is to look out and look up
- Begin to pray – Lord, what do I need to learn right now? What am I missing? (Looking up)
- Go back to my favorite, most meaningful scriptures (looking up): One of my favorites is Psalm 22:19 “But you, Lord, do not be far from me. You are my strength; come quickly to help me” and one I have had taped to the window at my kitchen sink for years is Psalm 51:9 “And I will hope in your name, for your name is good”
- Do something! Something Productive! Whether it’s taking the laundry back to put away in the drawers where they belong or calling about that repair you’ve been ignoring, or making that appointment you prefer to avoid, productivity shapes productivity.
- Count my blessings – focus on what is good in front of me. What can I be grateful for today? Gratitude and anxiety have a hard time living in the same moment.
- Go for a walk – so much good happens outside. I love the feel of the coolness on my face, especially after a day spent mostly inside in the winter
- Listen to a favorite playlist or podcast – what can you learn or let go of while you dance and enjoy the music. We love a Motown playlist or Jack Johnson for more of a mellow vibe.
